Each month in this space Mark Tate (Red) and Dan Morrow (Blue) provide absolutely definitive, perfectly reasoned and indisputably global solutions to all the world's great problems . . . in 150 words or less.

Dan Morrow:

Does Sponge Bob Squarepants threaten the Republic?

For many of our self-appointed right-wing "Christian" friends and all too many of their political pals on the right, the answer is a definitive, Yes!

For these self-appointed prophets other silly sidebar issues pale in comparison to the insidious propagandist from the Pineapple under the Sea!

In case you missed this . . . while you were sleeping Sponge Bob (along with his evil friends Winnie the Pooh, Barney, and a host of other subversive cartoon characters) had the unmitigated gall to make a video! In it they sing "We Are Family."

Even worse, they and their "fellow travelers" use the video to call on our innocent children "to respect the sexual identity of others along with their abilities, beliefs, culture and race."

In my youth such "Christians" preached that black children shouldn't learn to read beside white children. Anti-black prejudice was shameful then. Anti-gay prejudice is shameful now.

The controversy over Sponge Bob was not about Sponge Bob at all. At the center of controversy was a group called "We are family". This group has a mission of teaching diversity to kids and supporting same-sex marriage. So the real issue here is allowing parents to control what their children see on TV. Thousands of parents have come to trust shows like Sponge Bob believing there are no political agendas being pushed on their kids while they watch. Imagine the parent's shock when they found out they may not be able to trust Sponge Bob anymore. On this issue I come down on the side of letting parents be parents.

I agree it was a huge waste of time and there are many more important issues that need to be addressed. By the way . . . it was not a right wing Republican who brought the issue up. It was Delegate Algie Howell and Democrat from Norfolk.

Mark Tate:

Do low-slung Levis threaten the Commonwealth?

Guess who's coming to football practice?

For those self-appointed high school hall monitors and all-too-many legislators the answer to this eternal question is easy!

For the right wing of the Virginia House (the two-thirds that make both good Democrats and good Republicans cringe), the answer to this eternal question is easy!

For those of you who missed it, the solons of the Virginia lower chamber struck at the heart (so to speak) of moral corruption in the Old Dominion, and passed a law that would have made the wearing of low-slung fashion (and this is no joke) . . . illegal.

Underwear showing above the waistband? Fine! (the $50 kind) and a Citation (not the kind for bravery.) Happily the Senate rejected this madness.

What about the REAL issues? What about plaid pants, or those with fish or ducks on 'em? What about socks with sandals! Or wing tips with Bermuda Shorts! Mini-skirts. Boxers vs. briefs! This is almost as embarrassing as Loving vs. Virginia.

Parents have the right to choose whether their children are taught sex education in school. What can be wrong with them insisting their children learn about these issues . . . sex ed, etc. at home. Parents need the right to be parents. And they should have the ability to control the education of their children. What happened to teaching the kids about academics in school.

I think the parents that objected simply wanted the option of not having their children be subjected to one set of opinions about a lifestyle without a certain amount of balance from the other side being presented.

In 1967 "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" opened in my hometown, Danville, the "Last Capital of the Confederacy."

It was shocking. Hepburn and Tracy played a married couple (!) Their daughter brought her fiancé, Sidney Poitier, home to dinner. Screams of outrage greeted the film and the notion that a black man and a white woman might love each other . . . and marry.

Republican Dick Black recently led a crowd of self-appointed moralists in denouncing a play about the agonies suffered by a gay high school quarterback, written and performed by students at Stone Bridge High, Leesburg. Today praised the students and their Principal for behaving with ". . . more dignity and thoughtfulness than many of the political leaders elected to represent them."

We agree . . . and trust that, in time, good Republicans will reject Representative Black, Supervisor DelGaudio, and other non-compassionate conservatives.