I know someone who would sooner eat slug droppings than go near an automobile made by Kia, the South Korean car manufacturer that, along with brands like Hyundai (which, interestingly enough, owns Kia) and Scion (owned by Toyota), made huge headway in the U.S. market over the last several years, initially by targeting more cost-conscious demographics, preaching things like value and reliability while eschewing things like performance and styling.

(That has since changed; performance and styling are now much more a part of the whole branding package, but "in the beginning" and all that…)

Anyway, this someone is no class-ist, and he's certainly not vain or shallow enough to believe that style and performance are intrinsically more important than value and reliability. He'd happily drive the Flintstone-mobile if it did the job.

No, this someone wouldn't drive a Kia for the simple reason that the name, k-i-a, is incredibly ill-conceived, to the point of being offensive. Maybe it's the other way around but, either way, the notion that a car company would brand and market itself in the U.S. using the same three letters that, for a certain generation, automatically translate into "killed in action" is a total head-scratcher. It makes trying to sell Chevy Novas in Central and South America look downright brilliant.

Maybe not. But certainly less asinine.

According to the official Kia website, "The word Kia has origins in the Chinese language with the first syllable, ki, meaning 'to arise or come up out of.' The second part of the word, a, refers to Asia. So when you put it all together, Kia means 'to arise or come up out of Asia.'"

Which sounds made up, frankly, but at least Kia has its bases covered.

What I couldn't find on the official Kia website is any mention of its hamster advertising campaign.

Which, for me, is the real issue.

According to people in the know, advertisers, marketing gurus, etc., those hamsters are the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas. The best thing since sliced bread. The campaign, wherein giant, anthropomorphic rodents don hoodies and heavy bling (a combination surely targeting the ever popular Sopranos-meets-Run-DMC demographic) and celebrate their individuality by driving the same model Kia, the Soul, (now commonly referred to in dealerships as "the hamster car") and making fun of the other hamsters around them, either because they're driving toasters or hamster balls, or simply because they are not wearing any appropriate hamster clothes (losers....), got massive play during the 2009 NBA Finals and continued to run heavily through 2010.

Kia apparently bought the Mad Men Kool-Aid, attributing the Soul's impressive sales figures, in part, to the "edgy" campaign. Seriously.

Which simply goes to show that we all would have been better off going into advertising, a profession that, over the years, puts the celebrated wackiness of the ping-pong-playing tech start-ups of the 90's in something approaching perspective.

All of which is a long way of saying I wouldn't drive a car peddled by hamsters if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me. But I certainly wouldn't pay YOU for the privilege. Not in a zillion years.

But I'd at least consider it if the Soul were driven by a stunningly gorgeous, 21-year-old, six-foot, one-inch, Hawaiian native of Korean descent named Michelle Wie who proceeded to bomb drives 300-plus yards down the fairway at what can only be a 21st-century version of Bushwood Country Club.

So much better than hamsters. On so many levels. And infinitely easier on the eyes.

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Tom Brady simply must get a haircut. Or he's got to stop with the ever-increasing head-tosses as he roams the sideline. Troy Polamalu may have more famous hair, and more of it in general. But Brady's is getting to the point that it'd be more at home on the catwalk than the gridiron. Annoying.

SI spent a lot of ink in last week's issue seemingly trying to get in on the Gilbert Arenas rehabilitation / reclamation sweepstakes. I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that there is a shoe-pooper in this country making almost $20-million a year. Heck, I went to high-school with shoe-poopers who did it for free. They did it for the love of the game.

The Caps have sprinted out of the gates this year, apparently having put the disappointment of last season's early playoff exit behind them. Good. You can't win with that kind of baggage hanging over you. But I hope they haven't forgotten the taste of that disappointment. Because that's the taste that'll keep them focused.

Any reason the Nats still haven't signed Adam Dunn to a contract extension? Really?

Not sure what the heck just happened at FedEx on Monday night, but the Redskins might want to cancel all future bye-weeks. Forever. And rethink spotting their opponents 35-point leads. What was THAT?!?

Five words: Oakland Raiders in first place.